Cuckoo Clock
The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed
3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wakeup, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution
(even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
Midnight.
He didn't seem disturbed at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock'.
When I asked him why, he said,
'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh crap.', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
Cool Phrases
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
Save water.
Shower with your girl friend.
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become
otherwise.
If your father is a poor man, it
is your fate but,
if your fatherinlaw is a poor
man, it's your stupidity.
I was born intelligent
education ruined me.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say..........
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word ?
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop
Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk !
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours !
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
When two's company, three's the result !
A dress is like a barbed fence
It protects the premises without restricting the view
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
Scottish Girlfriend
A Scottish girlfriend is giving directions to her prospective boyfriend, who is coming to visit: "You come to the front door
of the apartment complex. I am in Apartment 14 A . There is a big panel at the door. With your
elbow, push button 14 A . I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in,
and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Baby, that
sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" "Darling, you're not coming empty handed... are you?"
Moral of the story: Never go to ur Girl Friend's home....
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,
"Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says,
"Hello, what are u guys doing?"
And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14
million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!"
So Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, " See, I told you
noone would worry about the 14
million Pakistanis!"
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?", asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."
BAD NEWS ABOUT BEER
Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones
(hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into
women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test
subjects:
1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary.
HER DIARY
Day night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today England lost to France. DAMN IT
An Indian was sitting with a Pakistani and a Malaysian in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.
But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first
wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
So the Malaysian guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Pakistani guy, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back".
But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again.
Before the Indian fellow could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "As you are from a small country, and your football team and your golfers are terrible, and your women skinny (Saudis love fat women) you can have two wishes!".
"Thank you,Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Indian replies.
"My first wish is: " I would like to have 40 lashes."
"If you so desire", the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"...
"Tie the Pakistani to my back", the Indian answers.
An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside
him. The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat.
The American asks :`Do you eat the bread entirely?`
The Indian answers, Of course!`
American : `We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to India.`
The Indian says nothing.
The American continues, Do you eat this jelly with the bread?`
Indian : `Of course!`
American : `We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a
container. Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to India.`
The Indian finally asks, And what do you do with the condoms after using them?`
American : `We throw them away, of course!`
Indian : `We do not. We keep them in containers, process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.`
At the time of IndoPak war in 1971, Pakistan Air Force had just acquired the state of the art
Saber jet from US. The jet had some outstanding technical features which were being explained by a US instructor to some trainee
Pakistani pilots. The US instructor explained the aircraft's automatic take off, automatic
maneuvering, automatic supersonic acceleration, automatic weapon loading and automatic firing.
Eventually, one Pakistani pilot asked, "Sir, How do we land this aircraft?"
The US instructor said, "Son, Leave that to the Indian Air Force."
The story is told of a day when Queen Elizabeth had the Duke Of Edinburgh over for a cup of tea. The conversation turned equestrian and the Queen was telling the Duke about her new prize horse.
After a spell of ranting and raving over this horse the Duke said, "Well, then, let's see this fine animal!"
So the Queen and the Duke went over to the stables to admire the horse.
At one point the Queen walked around the horse, just as it let out an earth trembling belch, with a smell that....
The Queen turned a bit red and said, "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that!"
"Oh, that's quite alright," the Duke replied, "I had thought it was the horse!"
Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.
"Who was that!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.
"I see," he said, "I will have 10 of you shot. And maybe then you will tell me who sneezed?"
A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.
"I will ask again," yelled Hitler, "who sneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.
"Very well," he said, "I will have another 10 of you shot!"
The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.
"For the very last time," screamed Hitler, "Who sneezed?"
Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It was me, my Führer. I am the one who sneezed."
Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Bless you."
The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Nice pigs, sir".
The president replied, "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs.I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea."
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, sir."
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed
there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled
Mary out.
When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he
now considered
him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I
think you've regained your senses.
The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry,
but she's dead."
Jim replied, "She's not dead, I put her there to dry."
Subject: Having a bad day????
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out
on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you
don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Fred
Hannifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone
was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"
and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
"Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to
see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him
back and said,
"That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking, spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window
... so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole,
(I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole,
too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to
my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months
of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ***," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm
coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war
going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.
There saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad
cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
NOW, I feel better.
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
~ she called me to get my phone number.
~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
~she got stabbed in a shootout.
~she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~ she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
~ she tried to drown a fish.
~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
~ if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
~ they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
~ under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On
Phonics."
~ she tripped over a cordless phone.<<< DON'T LAUGH IT'S HAPPENED!!!
:)~
~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~ at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she
put 'Sagittarius.'
~she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~ it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
~if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
~she studied for a blood test.
~she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
~she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
~she thought she needed a token to get on Soul train.
~she sold the car for gas money.
~when she saw the "NC17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and
got 16 friends.
~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
~she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left"
she turned around and went home.
Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months. He
walks to work every
day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window
and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. He wants those shoes
so much it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the
$300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian
community gets together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes
the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red
panties tonight?"
Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do
you know?"
Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes.
How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her,
"Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?"
He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes.
How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giorgio
asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties
tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight.
WHY?"
Giorgio gasps and says ...."Thanka God ...
I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes!"
Here my intensions are not to hurt anybody , but to make you laugh, I'm sorry if I have hurt any body...
I thank Apurv ,Kabir , Dolphy Kalra ,Gaurav, Manoj and many more of my friends who gave me these jokes...
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